Going Out While Staying In

Have you met someone great while you’re sheltering at home, or maybe right before, and you want to use this time to get to know each other, deepen the connection and to make sure they’re the one? The good news is, this can be the perfect (not so perfect) time to make sure they’re in alignment with your vision of the loving relationship you want… without falling into any old destructive patterns that may have held you back in the past.

The pandemic is an excellent opportunity to see how you and your potential long-term partner manage conflict. It’s also a great time to evaluate your respective communication skills, examine your ability to express your own needs, discuss values, practice empathy, be resilient, manage stress, and build trust and commitment — sounds daunting, but it’s all worth it! Here’s how you can prepare yourself to deepen your relationship with the right one for you:

1. Get clear on your needs first

Rely on your core values and determine which value you can deepen into to decide how you want to interpret social distancing requirements. Whether you value freedom, security, spirituality, health, or integrity, identify which core values are underneath your choices. To ensure it feels right, take a moment to close your eyes and get quiet with yourself to connect to your intuition or ‘gut feeling.’ Use this ‘litmus’ test as a guide to what you need to be in alignment and authentic.

2. Be specific

Once you know what your needs are, get clear on what behaviors are a match to living into this value. If your number one value is health or well-being, what are the behaviors you (and your family) are choosing to engage in that and honor this value? The more specific you are with these behaviors, the easier it is to communicate them to your (new) partner and explain why it is important. Having a deeper conversation that involves values and the choices you make to honor those values enable a conversation that is based on mutual understanding versus one that is merely “positional” in which one of you is trying to simply coerce or convince the other to do things your way because you are “right.”

3. Be confident

Once you know what your needs are and why these needs are important to you, don’t second guess yourself or choose to put their needs before yours simply to avoid rejection. One of the most important things you can do along your journey is date with dignity. It’s healthy to have boundaries, and if your partner doesn’t support yours, you may discover that you have different values that might keep you from being together long-term. If you can successfully create win-win compromises that work for both of you in the short-term, (even if it means that you choose not to see each other in person) you may discover qualities in  them that suggest you’re a couple that can go the distance. With the right person, the process of communicating authentically and developing understanding of each other’s needs will deepen your relationship overall.

4. Don’t avoid the difficult conversations

Most important, be direct with your partner as soon as you can. You can use communication that is both empowering and loving. It might look like, “I’m feeling scared that we might not be able to see each other as much right now because we seem to be defining quarantine differently. I need 10 minutes to discuss it with you.” Share your feelings vulnerably to start the conversation and then make your request. Put a time limit on the conversation so that they know what to expect. And, be open to scheduling the conversation for a time when you both can be present without distraction. This kind of start-up will ensure that both of you approach the conversation from a place of curiosity versus defensiveness.

5. Remember, the Pandemic is temporary

Anxieties are high for many men and women right now, and going into the conversation with the belief that everyone is doing the best he or she can will help you see the Pandemic as a way to further identify whether or not this is a person you want to share your life with long-term. Stay in alignment with your values. Communicate authentically and be curious. Hold boundaries. And, whether they are or aren’t your long-term person, practice empathy

When you adopt the belief that the Pandemic may be the best (and fastest) way to see how someone you’re dating manages conflict, stress, and uncertainty — which you’ll both encounter again in your lives — you can be sure that you’re still moving forward with your vision for healthy, romantic love.